He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
Randomize
