I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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