i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
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