look no pants
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
