I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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