The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
