She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
i think my cat just said my name.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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