it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Randomize
