so I'm never txting u again after today...
y?
cuz i don't wanna see it on blogspot :)
ha...too late
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
