happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Randomize
