apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
