WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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