...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
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I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
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Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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