your parents love me but you hate me
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
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