i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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