Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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