I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
