I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
