So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
