Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
