I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Randomize
