I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Randomize
