her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
