Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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