Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
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