Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
