Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
