To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
