she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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