i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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