I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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