I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
