she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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