I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Randomize
