walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
