I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
so i just googled the prescription for aldara i saw on your desk this morning...
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
You're like the curious george of whores
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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