i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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