I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
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