Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize