OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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