This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
