I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
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