Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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