I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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