the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Randomize
