my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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