Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
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