Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
