for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
