My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
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