You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
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