if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
