apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Randomize
