if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
