I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I just forgot I was standing up.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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