mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
The beer is more important than you right now.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
