youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Boobs speak an international language.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Randomize
