Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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