I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
So many bounce houses so little time
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
