Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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